Category: Scripts

Monologue Scripts

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Marcus

Play: Funeral Parlor
Author: Christopher Durang
Role: Marcus
Age: 30 – 50
Style: Comedic
Time: 1:15
Source: Christopher Durang Volume I: 27 Short Plays
ISBN-10: 188039989X
ISBN-13: 978-1880399897

Susan, I’m so sorry. Death is always a shock. You’re sitting at home doing nothing, and then suddenly death goes “BOO!’, and someone falls down dead. What were his last words? Were they “BOO”? Did he make any noises? Guttural sorts of noises? Or high-pitched-shrieking ones? Eeeeeek! Eeeeeeek! Awooooga! Awooooooga!

Oh, Susan, you poor thing. All alone in the house now. Alone in the kitchen. Alone in the dining room. Alone in the living room – living room, that’s a mocking phrase now, isn’t it? Alone, alone, alone.

You have to mourn, Susan. I always thought the Irish were right to do all that keening. Do you want to keen, Susan? How about singing a spiritual? SWING LOW SWEET CHARIOT, COMING FOR TO… Susan, you are avoiding the sadness, I can’t let you do that.

We’re going to miss him on the commuter train. We use to exchange morning pleasantries. You know your husband was the only person on that whole damn train who was even willing to speak to me. The other people would get panic in their eyes if I even started to walk in their direction.

Your husband, though, was always very friendly to me. Not like my father. Nowadays my father won’t even return my phone calls. Well he’s dead, but I have this medium friend who gave me this special 800 number that lets you call the dead. Maybe you’d like the number to try to reach your husband on the other side.

Are you leaving?

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Charles

Play: Romance in D
Author: James Sherman
Role: Charles Norton
Age: 40
Style: Dramatic

Why did I want to kiss you? I don’t know. It has something to do with the fact that I think you’re beautiful. I think you’re very smart. I wanted to kiss you from the moment I first saw you through the peephole.

And then you came to my place. If you hadn’t done that… You could have lived in this apartment for twenty years before I came over here. But you wanted to talk. To “make a connection”. You’re not chronically depressed. You’re chronically alive.

I kept telling myself over and over, “Don’t fall in love. Don’t fall in love.” And I’m in love goddamnit!

By the time my father was my age, he had a wife, two children, a thriving business, and a hobby. Look at me, his son. I have a survival job and a single bed.

Listen. You’re embarrassed. I’m embarrassed. Let’s just forget the whole thing, okay?

I shouldn’t have kissed you. I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t want a relationship.

You know why not. If we have a relationship, we’re going to have to sit around and talk about “Can we compromise” and “Can we meet halfway” and “Can we work together”.  And all it means is that one of us going to get hurt and it’s probably going to be me.

I’ve been dumped really hard before. I just don’t want it to happen to me again. I have my work. And I have my music. And I have a life. I don’t want to mess it up.

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Marty

Film: Marty
Author: Paddy Chayefsky
Role: Marty Piletti
Age: 35 – 45
Style: Dramatic
Time: 1:15

Ma, when are you going to give up? You gotta bachelor on your hands. I ain’t never gonna get married. Sooner or later, there comes a point in a man’s life when he gotta face some facts, and one fact I gotta face is that whatever it is that women like, I ain’t got it. I chased enough girls in my life. I went to enough dances. I got hurt enough. I don’t wanna get hurt no more.

I just called a girl this afternoon, and I got a real brush-off, boy. I figured I was past the point of being hurt, but that hurt. Some stupid woman who I didn’t even want to call up. She gave me the brush. That’s the history of my life.

Ma, whaddaya want from me?! Whaddaya want from me?! I’m miserable enough as it is! I don’t wanna go to the Waverly Ballroom, because all that ever happened to me there was girls made me feel like I was a bug. And you know what I got for my trouble? Heartache! A big night of Heartache! I got feelings, you know. I had enough pain. No, thank you. Ma, I’m gonna stay home and watch Sid Ceasar.

Edited: 50 Seconds
Ma, when are you going to give up? You gotta bachelor on your hands. Sooner or later, there comes a point in a man’s life when he gotta face some facts. I chased enough girls in my life. I got hurt enough. I just called a girl this afternoon, and I got a real brush-off, boy. I figured I was past the point of being hurt, but that hurt. Some stupid woman who I didn’t even want to call up. She gave me the brush. Ma, whaddaya want from me?! I’m miserable enough as it is! I don’t wanna go to the Waverly Ballroom, because all that ever happened to me there was girls made me feel like I was a bug. And you know what I got for my trouble? A big night of Heartache! I got feelings, you know. I had enough pain. No, thank you. Ma, I’m gonna stay home and watch Sid Ceasar.

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Degas, C’est Moi

Play: Degas, C’est Moi
Author: David Ives
Role: Ed
Age: 30 – 50
Style: Comedic
Time:

A stroke of genius. I decide to be Degas for a day. Why Degas? Well why not Degas? Pourquoi pas Degas? Maybe the prismatic bars of color on my ceiling have inspired me. Maybe it’s all the cheap French wine I’ve been drinking.

Okay, so I don’t know much about Degas. Let’s See. Dead, French, impressionist painter of ballerinas, flowers, that kinda thing. And okay granted, I’m not French, dead or a painter of any kind. And yet – are Degas and I not united by our shared humanity? By our common need for love, coffee, deodorant?

This is wonderful! In the bathroom, the very porcelain pullulates with possibilities. Will you look at the luster of that toilet? In the shower, it feels strange, lathering an immortal. What’s even stranger, the immortal is lathering back.

How did I become such a genius? I, who flunked workshop in high school? Was it my traumatic childhood? Did I have a traumatic childhood? Well something must have happened. Because now I’m great. I’m brilliant. My name will live forever! Gone the dreary daily déjà vu. Today – Degas vu.

EDITED: 50 Seconds.
A stroke of genius. I decide to be Degas for a day. Why Degas? Well why not Degas? Pourquoi pas Degas?

Okay, so I don’t know much about Degas. Let’s See. Dead, French, impressionist painter of ballerinas. And okay granted, I’m not French, dead or a painter of any kind. And yet – are Degas and I not united by our shared humanity? By our common need for love, coffee, deodorant?

How did I become such a genius? I, who flunked workshop in high school? Was it my traumatic childhood? Did I have a traumatic childhood? Well something must have happened. Because now I’m brilliant. My name will live forever! Gone the dreary daily déjà vu. Today – Degas vu.

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I Ought To Be In Pictures

By Neil Simon

Neil Simon Monologues (ISBN: 0-940669-34-X)

HERB: Wait a minutes, you! You just listen to me a minute. I never figures I had anything coming to me. I gave you up, that was my loss. I left that house because if I had stayed it would  have turned into a war zone and there would have been no survivors. You want to talk about guilts, regrets – I got enough to fill up my garage. But that’s my business and I’ll handle it my own way. I never expected anything from you or your brother. Outside this house, you can call me any goddamn thing you want to call me. But under this roof is my domain, and if you talk to me, you show me some respect.

HERB: Okay! For the sake of argument, let us say someone looks at the card. Someone is looking for a valet service for his son’s bar mitzvah. Someone just met a girl at the party and wants to write down her number. Someone has a piece of spare rib in his teeth and is trying to pick it out with the card. Only a small percentage of that group will look at the back of the card. But let’s say one does. He sees, “Libby Tucker, New York trained actress – No Part Is Too Big or Too Small.” Do you imagine he’s going to slam his foot on the break, pull off the road and, say to his wife, “That’s exactly what I’m looking for. An actress trained in New York who doesn’t care if the part is too big or too small. Right under my nose in my very own car. What a break for me. I’ll contact her first thing in the morning and hope and pray that someone else with spare ribs in their teeth didn’t get to her before me!”